There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
