You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I need to align my fucking chakras
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
