i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
