shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
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