This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
