Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Randomize
