I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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