I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
