on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
