Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I have fence marks all over my body
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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