My cat gives me a boner
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
