Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
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