woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
