im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
