I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
