I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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