I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
