Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize