hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
