drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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