Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I will pee on everything he values.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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