why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
The adults are the big ones right?
There are leaves in my underwear?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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