there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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