I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
