Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
