Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
