So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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