Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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