using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Randomize
