Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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