Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You are the jesus of drinking
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
