Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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