3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
