You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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