Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
