Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
