jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
