I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
