Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Randomize
