Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
