my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize