Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
