Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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