Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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