Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
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