every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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