My liver just broke up with me...
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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