The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Randomize