cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
