this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
