I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
