I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
