a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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