I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
