And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
