just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
