we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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