lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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