Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
