you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
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